I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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