She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
