If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
