well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
