he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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