If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
