Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
