I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
