oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
