Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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