you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
