you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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