Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
