I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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