dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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