well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
