I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
