Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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