seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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