PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
it's like iHOP with fire
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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