Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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