Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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