I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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