Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
