is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
