my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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