Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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