Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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