i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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