Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
