I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
