If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
