my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
