Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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