my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
