Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
