Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
this boner is exhausting
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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