he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My penis needs a shock collar
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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