Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
