Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
