i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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