Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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