i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
