I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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