Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
