The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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