i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
