The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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