He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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