Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
