Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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