In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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