i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
