I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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