I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
