I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I looked at my own cervix.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
