I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
As shirtless as possible
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
