Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
