whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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