Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You made out with two different species that night
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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