just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
