Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
