So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
